Good and Bad Kids

Most people think that kids are either good or bad, but I don't think there is such a thing.  Of course, there are well behaved children and those that misbehave more often.  People are not "good" or "bad."  We are all creatures who, at times, choose right and wrong.  We all have faults.  It is unfortunate that most people overlook that children misbehave for some basic reasons- some to do with their environment, and some with who they are as a person.

The children that people often label as "good" have the personality type that loves control.  This need for their world to be in control is why they LOVE rules, sometimes to the point of compulsion.  They love to follow them and get mad when others do not.  These types often push themselves to get good grades and desire to show themselves to others as being polite.  So they appear "good," but it really does not denote any sort of character or goodness of heart.  Good behavior can be present in a sinful heart.

Then there are the "bad" kids.  They are not concerned with impressing others or getting the top score.  They are way too relaxed and fun loving to think about such things.  Therefore, they forget to say "please" and "thank you" because they are not looking for adoration in adults eyes or to beat out the kid next to them in the "goodness" contest.  While other kids may be driven or task oriented, these kids are not.  Since this is the case, they are the kids dropping their pencils 7 times while doing their school work or who get messy and spread their mess without a thought.  Rules are not as important to them.  Just as above, this does not necessary show they have any worse character than a "good" child.  They can have a good heart, but just lack training and disciple, which is something that comes more naturally to "good" kids.

Not looking under the surface of a child can lead to great problems in their future.  The "good" kids forget that it is the WHY you are good that is important and without good character they could follow unGodly rules.  The "bad" kids have been made to feel that they are bad.  They believe bad is all they are capable of.  With out character and discipline their talents will be wasted and the Kingdom will miss their contribution.

We all have our "hooks" or parts of ourselves that make us consistently pick that wrong choice.  All children need training in character and a God centered, Gospel filled lifestyle.  Apart from God, we cannot achieve purity, which is true "goodness."  Step one is always to know you need God's help, a step that is very easy for a "good" child to overlook and for a "bad" child to feel unworthy of.  Character training involves those day to day teachable moments, as well as sitting down to study the definition, spiritual meaning and application of a the trait itself.  That is why Deuteronomy states it is going to take the morning, the evening and every hour in-between!  This responsibility is not a weight or pressure, but is a guilt free, simpler approach to children that is more effective.

Explaining the Death of a Planet to Your Child

My eight year old son was upset I whited out Pluto from the solar system coloring sheet that he requested (weird effects of homeschooling- apparently he thinks it super fun to color the planets himself). I need to read aloud "How I Killed Pluto, and Why It Had It Coming" (by Mike Brown) to him. Tried so many ways to explain why Pluto is NOT a planet.

The book is very entertaining to read.  It reads like a story, but has a lot of science in it.  I have only gotten half way through, but I found it fascinating.  Just ordered it again from our library, maybe I will have the time to finish it this time.

The 'What If' Child

We have a child that is a deep thinker.  He is always asking a 'what if' question.  In the photo above, he asking himself what is really going to happen when he fights Darth Vader, will my parents find me in this crowd when I am done, will I use a real light saber  . . . .   Really, all kids get the worries from time to time and want to know 'what if.'  For a deep thinker, the world can be a never ending place of fear.  They think too much for their own good.  Their heighten awareness spawn one scenario after another.  Our children should know that worries and fears are normal, that everyone has them, and we need to show them what we do with worries.

Our children's 'what ifs' are a great chance to make clear to them basic Biblical wisdom.  It is easy to forget when our minds start spinning.  I tell my child, simply and bluntly that,

• "You can handle anything that happens to you WITH GOD."  
• "Life will keep you busy enough with real things that happen to you, don't waste your time with 'what ifs'."
• "Don't keep 'what if'ing your self because they never end.  They will just go on and on."
• "What ever happens, you will just deal with it.  God has a plan, there is no need to worry.  He won't give you anymore then you can handle WITH Him."
• "You need to deal with what is happening right now, at this moment."  
• "No matter what happens, stay calm and pray to God for wisdom.  He will show you what to do."

Another exercise that is good to do is to ask them, "What are you afraid of happening?"  Or, "What is the worse that could happen?"  For example, if the child says they are afraid of the house catching on fire, you would help them see that they would leave the house and the fire department would come and put the fire out.  This exercise may be too hard for a child who lacks the ability to reason, meaning a child on the spectrum or with delays.  The point of the exercise is to show, what ever happens, you will just deal with the situation.  

Death may come up in your 'what if' conversation, but you need to deal with it honestly, while only giving them simple information that they need to know.  It is best to be calm, steady and sure of yourself in your delivery.  If you don't believe it completely, your children will see that, and they won't believe either.  As Christians, we have no fear of death.  If your child is persistent, but not yet mature enough, I tell them they will learn more as they get older, but now is not the time.  They need to grow more.  

Having an environment where your child can come and talk to you about what is on their heart plays a major role in providing that teachable moment.  If we have our child's heart, if they feel loved and safe with us, they will let us into their most personal thoughts.  Our children need us to talk to.  They need to be reassured by us.  During these talks with my children, I always remind them that it is our (their mother and father's) job to take care of them and help them though any events that might happen.  Even when they are by themselves, God is ALWAYS with them, watching over them. No worries.  It is a good reminder to the us as well, because where do you think their deep thinking brain came from?  

When Your Child Hates School

Homeschooling has been really hard lately because my son hates doing his school work. This really is not a homeschooling problem, kids who are sent to school have the same issue. Maybe you have a similar problem or maybe it is homework time that is a battle. Even though you have consequences in place, they take forever to get their work done. However, the battle is not because it is too hard for them, they are smart kids. They would just rather play than do work. It is a combination of laziness and personality. While girls can have this problem, it is very common in boys, especially the 2nd born.

There is not time in our day to take 3 hours to do 1 hour worth of work. Crying out to my homeschool mom friends, I asked for some wisdom. One friend, Stephanie suggested to give my son a little more time, since his just turned seven. She suggested doing an educational activity he enjoyed, like a math game. Adding this to our school day did help. Yesterday, my son spelled words using our lego letter blocks, and love it. However, I am not an unschooler and I feel that this is just going to get worse if Iet this go. Therefore, I am still going to do Bible, math and language arts from his curriculum.

In between this, my husband stepped in with a brilliant idea. He would school him at night after dinner. Since my husband only gets at best 2 1/2 hours with them, this was a big sacrifice. My son's school should take him about an hour, probably even less, so it could work. Also, my husband thought this would motivate my son to get his work done on time because he would not want to miss his play time with his Dad. During the day, I try to lighten the load by doing the parts my son enjoys like math and Bible. He is also given an educational activity to build his ability to stay at the school table and to show him learning can be fun.

Another friend, Michelle wrote a great list of points. They were very helpful too, so I wanted to pass them along.

Okay... so here are some ideas from another mom who has a boy who doesn't want to do school- only mine is in 3rd grade, not to discourage you or anything, but he has never been a huge fan of school. He enjoys some aspects of it, but he has consciously decided to not enjoy certain aspects of school. These are things that have worked for me and might be worth trying if you haven't tried them yet.

1) Identify his learning style. Your child's learning style may not be your teaching style as was the case with me. Once kindergarden came with my son, I knew I had to adapt and enhance school to teach him. My perspective had to change.

2) Don't compare him to other siblings. His older sister is a teacher's dream. She was the easiest experiment, uh I mean... student...;) for a first time homeschooling mom. My son introduced me to the "real" world of homeschooling. He is a smart kid, but he does not respond the same way to the same things. Work on building his confidence with his school work by encouraging him when he's doing something well- even if it seems like a small, silly thing.

3) Give him incentives. Yes, sounds like bribing, but for my son LOVES to do projects that involve making a mess and creating things. IF he gets his work done, he gets to do something that he wants to do- that's still learning. Or my son's favorite activity on a nice day: he gets more outside time. That's a HUGE motivator for him. Find out how to motivate your son to show him that you are willing to work with him. Also, mix up the day. If my son is done a portion of work on a nice day that involves a lot of writing, I say quick get your helmet- you have 15 minutes to ride your bike. Getting his energy out helps both of us! Or on a rainy day I may give him 15 minutes on the Wii Fit half-way through the morning. He is a wiggler. Also, chewing sugar free gum is excellent. My son is a "tapper" and "wiggler." He doesn't know it, but the gum gives him a rhythm in his head while doing writing. I don't tell him why I offer him gum so he doesn't depend on it, but I offer it to him when he's doing a lot of writing.

4) Hands-on activities are also great to have around like Stephanie said. My son really embraces hands-on activities. For example, he does math wrap-ups or we play the "pet shop" game (learning center from Lakeshore.) There are a lot of hands-on stations/ folder centers that you can create on your own. Google it.

5) My son feels that school will go on and perhaps never end. His concept is tainted as I do not think there are enough hours in the day. Giving him a schedule so that he knows what's ahead for the whole day comforts him. When he doesn't know what's coming up, he gets frustrated thinking that the work coming his way may never end. So, write down his assignments on a dry erase board (so he can erase them when he's finished) or on an index card (so he can passionately scribble them out when he's done- this is my son's preferred method ;) )

6) Do remember that he is only in 1st grade. Though I am not an unschooler, Stephanie made an excellent point! I have found that my expectations are almost always higher than what my son can actually accomplish, because in part they are based on what my daughter was able to accomplish at his age. So, it is an encouragement for me to lower my expectations a little and adapt with hands-on activities/supplements- even at the 3rd grade level, and your son is two years behind him. ( Don't tell him if you are lowering expectations at all- I read in a great homeschooling book that mothers need to keep tough fronts while homeschooling their boys, still loving but tough. Mothers are a lot of times tougher on their girls -guilty here at times myself!- and soft on the boys when in fact girls usually need more sensitivity while boys need more discipline at these young ages because of how they are wired.... this is an in depth convo I will save for another time. ;) )

7) Relax! We are always harder on ourselves that we should be! You are an excellent mother and teacher, but we all have bad days. In regular schools, we just don't hear about the teachers' bad days, bad weeks, bad months, or bad years. They have them too though!! Seek the Lord. He will direct you on this matter, and take it one day at a time.

Dealing with Boredom in Children

Sorry to post about a post, but this is a great post about how to deal with boredom with children. Click here to read it.

Room for One More

The Christmas season brings to mind the Scripture that details Mary and Joseph's search for a room in Bethlehem to shelter them from the night. Though they knocked on many doors, they only received the reply that there was no room for them. Finally, they found a place that made room for the expectant couple. It recalls to me the birth of my own children and makes me ask myself, do we have room for one more?

There was a time when my husband and I thought we would have a specific number of children, a kin to objects you plan to acquire in life. "How many children do you think you will have," is a question often asked of couples. God has changed our hearts not to see our family as a specific number, but of questioning ourselves if there is room for one more. It leads us to be open to what God may have for us. Now, we take it year by year, child by child, just having our hearts open to another child.

One reason for this was seeing children as a gift, a blessing from God. You can search all of Scripture and not find any evidence that children are a curse, though the demand of day-to-day reality easily leads people to think differently. In fact, children, in the generic term, are always referred to as a blessing in the Bible. The idea that children are an inconvenient drain is completely a worldly notion. While being a lot of work, children are also very valuable. The work they require is really an opportunity to serve and grow in God. Now, that does not mean you have to have 16 children to be deemed truly righteous. It simply means, that whether you have 2 or 20, you are blessed to have children. It also means as a church family, we are blessed to have children in our congregation.

Parents are not the only ones who need to view children as a blessing. While the parents are called to disciple their children*, the church plays many important roles in bringing up the next generation too. One way is by seeing children as a gift to our congregation, celebrating each addition of a new child to our fold with joy. The attitude of the Church on this matter will determine the direction of its members. It is amazing what a little encouragement can do. The cards and presents we received after the birth of our 3rd child gave me tangible evidence that he was a blessing to be celebrated, not a misfortune as the world may think. So, when we meet a family of 6, instead of being shock and feeling pity for them, we can comment on their great blessing.

If the Church does not see the addition of children as a "good thing," then believers will see a family of more than 1.8 children as a misfortune. Making room for one more will not even be on the radar of options. Encouraging adoption will be difficult, or it will be seen as charity at best. Picking up on our negative response, the next generation's perfect family size will shrink and they will not know to delight in children.

Personally, getting a Biblical attitude adjustment towards seeing my children as a gift has made one of the biggest differences in me being able to delight in my own children. By delight, I mean that I truly enjoy spending time with my children, not because I ought to or because they are "good," but because God has changed my heart. So, yes, we have room for one more. There is a lot more to be said on the subject, but the point is that children are a gift from the Lord.

Scripture:
*You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 6:7

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 136:13-16

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. John 16:21

See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

A New Baby

With every new baby, your life changes, and parenting takes on new form. This was my experience~

• Baby #1 ~ Shock or Baby Boot Camp as my husband called it. You are brand new at being a parent and applying all those things you read in books to actual life, is not quite as easy as you thought. If you left your job to stay home, your identity completely changes. You go from using your brain to feeding, wiping, rocking in a never ending cycle. Learning on the go is stressful, but being on the mommy team is wonderful. Your first transitions you to a mother.
• Baby #2 ~ Mastering the Art of Multi Tasking. Your have all the experience from number one, so it is less stressful. However, the second still bring a big change, and brings parenting to a whole other level, aka you lose the rest of your independence. There seems to be much less time, but twice the work. You learn to be more flexible and hover less. The second brings the sweet pleasure, and occasional pain, of sibling relationship.
• Baby #3 ~ Treasured. By now you realize how quickly babies grow up. Those middle of the night feedings turn into a precious times in quiet peace, just you and your baby. While sleep would be wonderful, the lack of sleep is not as traumatic as with your first or second. You feel sad that your 3rd does not get to do all the things your 1st had experienced, but they get to experience different things. The older siblings entertain the baby, so they do not need you to always play with them. If you weren't born organized, you learn now out of desperation. Then you will wonder why you did not do it sooner. If you are a born organized, ducks in a row person, your 3rd will throw you for a loop. However, you will recover with an added simplicity to your lifestyle, which is a good addition.
• Baby # 4 and more ~ ?????? Since I have not experienced that change the 4th child brings, I can't say. I do assume it changes the family dynamics. Also, I have a feeling I will get much better at training and expecting my children to share in the household work, as well as making them more independent. I will hover even less, and become even more simplified. There is so much I have learned about parenting, it will be nice to have a chance to use it.

Spacing is an important factor. If you have 2, less than 2 years apart, the demands could be very stressful. All of mine are 2 1/2 years apart, and it worked out well. My friend said having a space between your 3rd and 4th will help you from feeling overwhelmed. The most physically demanding time in parenting is when you only have young children. Then the younger ones grow up and can help when a new one comes along, or at the very least, take care of themselves ( i.e. dress themselves, pick out their clothes, etc.) If you do have many little ones in a row, remember it is only a season. It will change.

Also, anytime you have a traumatic event or trial, like losing a parent or serious illness, or even a traveling husband, postpartum problems or lack of sufficient help, it can make the new arrival very overwhelming. I have to say personally, my 3rd was born at a very dark time in my life. My husband had just had 2 strokes, and was in the very early stages of recovery. However, the baby's coming birth gave me hope when we had very little hope for my husband's health. I made it a conscious effort to bond with him, and it worked. Even still, we both have a very strong bond. He became my little light of joy during a very sad and stressful time. He was just what I needed and God knew that.

What changes did each baby bring for you? The changes are different for everyone. Did they fit with my descriptions or where they different? Do you want to add another, but worried how it will change things?

The Narrow Path: Sheltering vs. Legalism

There is a fine line between legalism and sheltering, but how can you tell where that is? Who exemplifies sheltering and who is just being legalistic? Of course if God calls you to live a certain way, you should. I guess it starts to become legalistic when the "rules" get too complicated and inflexible, and you start to impose those rules on others. When Scripture is stretched, and then it definitely becomes legalistic when one states you must live exactly this man made way to be considered righteous.

I am all for bringing my walk with the Lord to the next level, getting rid of what ever is going to hold me back. However, on the other hand, I do not want to become a Pharisee either. Both extremes worry me, I do not want to fall into either pit. One might look better than the other, but a pit is a pit. More over, who did Jesus show most disdain for thieving tax collectors or Pharisees? Maybe walking a Christian life is not only a narrow path because few, truly choose it, but also because it is very easy on a narrow path to step off the path. A little to the right or a little to the left, and you find yourself off the path before you even realize it.

Jesus talked about the Pharisees, as

"They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden." ~ Matthew 22:4 NLT **

Sometimes I wonder whether, especially in homeschooling circles, that we become too legalistic, making high demands of holiness. If you go far enough in sheltering, you end up in legalism. Also, if you continue that verse above, it speaks of the Pharisees behaving this way for the good opinions of others, self-righteousness. It is dangerously easy to slip into self-righteousness the more you shelter. So, we must be careful the way we speak of it, to bring the glory to God and not ourselves, nor judgment on others. After all, it is our heart God is after.

Instead of hard and fast rules, use the Biblical sense in each unique situation. For example, instead of throwing out the TV, use it sparingly, only watching shows you would watch with Jesus sitting next to you. After all, God is always with us, though we forget that much of the time. In our case, we do not have cable, I mean not even basic. Since the switch to digital, we only get a few channels, and that is with the converter. Not only is this cheaper, it protects us from things we do not want in our home. We must sift through all these things with prayer and abiding in God's Word. Apply the Bible to each show, instead of just chucking the whole idea of TV. This way we are teaching our children how to navigate through the world, living in the world, but not of it. It is sort of like Sleeping Beauty and the spinning wheel, wouldn't it have been better, if at an appropriate age, the king and queen taught their daughter about the spinning wheel and not isolated her away from it.

After all, where will the rules end? No TV, no video games, and well, cheese doodles and french fries have caused many people to become gluttons, perhaps those should be banded as well. They are not edifying to the spirit, they do not improve our relationship with Christ. Any small amount of poison is still poison right? The one thing these items have in common is none of them are mentioned in the Bible. So how do we know exactly how to handle them with consistency?

Instead of being like a totalitarian government like North Korea, our sheltering should not resemble isolation*. Nor should we leave our children exposed to all of the world, that would be foolish and dangerous. Sheltering is a must for every Christian parent. We need to, at a reasonable level, protect them while preparing them to live in the world and not be of it. Not isolating, not exposure, but insulating. Never failing to tell them, that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

If you are a homeschooler, do not be beat up by the legalism of others. If there is something that is not honoring to God in your life, by all means feel that conviction. But do not follow man made rules. Do not let others make you feel guilty when there is no sin on your part, they probably do not want to make you feel that way in the first place. As homeschoolers, lets not run so far away from sin, that we run right through God's shelter and into sin again. While homeschooling is not for everyone, it is a truly great way to insulate your children!

*Some of my ideas on involving some parts of this post where learned and inspired by a workshop by David Hazell titled, "Exposed, Isolated, or Insulated." Not anything about the Pharisees, but only in regards to the ideas referred to in the workshop title.

**There is plenty of scripture on Pharisees, but I assume you have read them. So I do not list additional verses or explanations about the Pharisees.

Here is another post about sheltering from Leading Little Heart Home BLOG.