The 'What If' Child

We have a child that is a deep thinker.  He is always asking a 'what if' question.  In the photo above, he asking himself what is really going to happen when he fights Darth Vader, will my parents find me in this crowd when I am done, will I use a real light saber  . . . .   Really, all kids get the worries from time to time and want to know 'what if.'  For a deep thinker, the world can be a never ending place of fear.  They think too much for their own good.  Their heighten awareness spawn one scenario after another.  Our children should know that worries and fears are normal, that everyone has them, and we need to show them what we do with worries.

Our children's 'what ifs' are a great chance to make clear to them basic Biblical wisdom.  It is easy to forget when our minds start spinning.  I tell my child, simply and bluntly that,

• "You can handle anything that happens to you WITH GOD."  
• "Life will keep you busy enough with real things that happen to you, don't waste your time with 'what ifs'."
• "Don't keep 'what if'ing your self because they never end.  They will just go on and on."
• "What ever happens, you will just deal with it.  God has a plan, there is no need to worry.  He won't give you anymore then you can handle WITH Him."
• "You need to deal with what is happening right now, at this moment."  
• "No matter what happens, stay calm and pray to God for wisdom.  He will show you what to do."

Another exercise that is good to do is to ask them, "What are you afraid of happening?"  Or, "What is the worse that could happen?"  For example, if the child says they are afraid of the house catching on fire, you would help them see that they would leave the house and the fire department would come and put the fire out.  This exercise may be too hard for a child who lacks the ability to reason, meaning a child on the spectrum or with delays.  The point of the exercise is to show, what ever happens, you will just deal with the situation.  

Death may come up in your 'what if' conversation, but you need to deal with it honestly, while only giving them simple information that they need to know.  It is best to be calm, steady and sure of yourself in your delivery.  If you don't believe it completely, your children will see that, and they won't believe either.  As Christians, we have no fear of death.  If your child is persistent, but not yet mature enough, I tell them they will learn more as they get older, but now is not the time.  They need to grow more.  

Having an environment where your child can come and talk to you about what is on their heart plays a major role in providing that teachable moment.  If we have our child's heart, if they feel loved and safe with us, they will let us into their most personal thoughts.  Our children need us to talk to.  They need to be reassured by us.  During these talks with my children, I always remind them that it is our (their mother and father's) job to take care of them and help them though any events that might happen.  Even when they are by themselves, God is ALWAYS with them, watching over them. No worries.  It is a good reminder to the us as well, because where do you think their deep thinking brain came from?  

Christmas Newsletter 2011

We hope this letter finds you well. Our year has flown by. We had quite a busy year. Last spring we got to go to Walt Disney World with Karen's sister and fiance. It had been 3 years since a real vacation, so we really enjoyed every minute of it. The kids even fought Darth Vader. JP had his mouse ears on the whole time, I am sure Vader was quaking in his boots. They were given the opportunity to join forces with Vader, but we are proud to say none of them turned to the Dark Side.

Also in Spring, Karen's sister announced her wedding would be in November in Key West, Florida. So we got to go on another trip to Florida. We drove all the way down. How many keys could they possibly be? It is gorgeous there though, and the wedding was beautiful. G had the honor of being a flower girl and the boys ring bearers. On the way back, we stopped for a couple of days at Disney World, this time with Karen's brother and parents, who missed the trip in the spring due to a hospital stay.

This was a milestone year for Ed, he turned 40. He had a quiet, little party with his best friends. All else is the same, same job, same worship team. Just before Christmas, Ed got to go out to Arizona to see his family. His mom is fighting cancer, and we could not think of a better present for her then Ed.

Karen is snowed under with work. She is homeschooling the kids full time with a full load of students, John started Kindergarten this year. Homeschooling 3 kids is really not hard, it is all the rest of the stuff that is the problem, like sending out punctual cards and newsletters. She is enjoying nesting until we are placed with a baby.

G turned 10 this year. She still takes Irish Dancing lessons, and lots of homeschooling activities – homeschooling skating is her favorite. This year she has joined the chess club at the library, and really enjoys it. G's hot interests this year are video games, roller skating and crafts.

Z turns 8 next month. This year at our homeschool co-op he got to take a cooking class, he enjoys to help Karen cook. He recently joined a township wrestling team, and loves it! Ed wrestled when he was in middle school, and he has turned into quite a stage mom. Z is so excited on practice nights, he is too worked up to eat dinner, so that tells you how important this really is to him. This year Z's interests are cars, wrestling, and playing outside.

JP turned 5 this year, and started Kindergarten. At co-op he moved up to a new class, where he gets to go to different stations. He loves to do everything with Z, they even sleep together. Z keeps trying to get him to join the wrestling team, but JP says he will only join if they get a blue mat – his favorite color. JP knows what he wants. One of his favorite places to go is the zoo, he says he is going to live there when he grows up. JP's interests are animals, cars, and pretending to be a baby animal.

As for number 4, all our adoption paperwork is finished. We are a waiting family, which means we show our profile to birth parents and wait for them to pick us. So far we have not gotten picked, but it is exciting to receive opportunities. When we do get picked, it probably will happen very quickly. Adoption is a lot of waiting, and then instant baby! We look forward to sending out an adoption announcement. G and Z keep making JP act like a baby so they have a baby to play with. Hopefully we will not have to wait too long.

May God bless your New Year,

How to Tell if your Child is an Entitled Child

Here is a great article on childhood entitlement.  Click on the link to read it in full.  Here is a quick checklist to see if as a parent you have fallen into a the common modern plague of creating an entitled child.


An entitle child will:

• immediately lash out "with accusations or insults" when they are told no
• is shocked when told no
• not take turns well
• be impatient
• generally put themselves first
• throw a temper tantrums when they don't get what they want
• not say "please" and "thank you"

Now, every child, especially a toddler or preschooler, will behave these ways from time to time.  This list is meant to reflect a consistent behavior over time.  

Not every child fits in the "box", some children actually have a social delay, which causes huge problems with flexibility.  This is not because of your parenting style, it is because of their delay.  The child is not trying to be bad to ruin your day, they just don't have the tools yet to deal with it.  If you are not sure wether of not your child has a delay, read the first few chapters in The Explosive Child by Ross W. Green, chapter 3 has the checklist.  I am sure your library has a copy.  Just would like to add, these children do things that all children do, but it is just on a whole other level.  You could also take your child to a councilor or psychologist who specializes in children.  Now, just because they have a delay, it does not mean the behavior is acceptable.  Occupational Therapy, play therapy with a councilor and other resources can help you get your child's behavior to be with in the proper boundaries.  It is not an excuse, but it is a very good reason to show them grace and not to think of them as a spoiled child and yourself as a bad parent!

Here are some things you can to to reverse an entitled child:

• start saying no more often, but not always
• make them do things for themselves
• require a "no please" and a "yes, thank you"
• make them wait
• give them less 
• if it is extended family giving too much, try to control that as much as possible
• put some of their items away - less clothes, less toys ( you don't have to throw them out, just put them out of site)
• requirer them to do some basic chores for no money and give them the opportunity to earn money doing jobs around for money
• have many heart to heart talks with them about thinking of others, the universe does not revolve around them, and they have to work for what they want
• if they lose a toy or brake one, don't buy them a new one
• they do not always have to be happy, so lessons in life are painful, that is they only way we learn our lesson

Plans

Plans are interesting.  They can revolutionize our lives or they can make us feel like a failure.  Anytime I have a problem, I love to make a plan that will solve it.  Actually, planning is my favorite part, the action or endurance, not so much.   Good plans will let us achieve our goals with out wearing out. 


When it is someone else's plan, I guess I would be willing to try it on for a fit.  When I have a problem, I love to do a lot of research to find out how other people solve it.  It may be my solution or it may not work for our family at all or it just may need to be modified to fit us.  I think it is important to periodically reevaluate your plan too. Things change over time.  Now I coupon and stock up on good deals, with in sane reason :) and without waste or committing coupon fraud.  Perhaps when my kids are teenagers, they just might eat more if we have more.  At their age now, no one wants to go down to the basement on their own, even for food!  In years to come, when our basement becomes a teenage cave, I can see the food vanishing quickly.  I have to be open to changing my plan.

Lately I have been using couch to 5k, and it is very motivating to have a plan and to check it off as done.  Plans are better when they are reasonable and have small increments of change.  Short term plans give us a sense of accomplishment.  9 weeks, I can do anything for 9 weeks.  It seems so much more manageable.  

Also, I think it is very important to bare in mind that people are very different and have very different circumstances.  I am not sure if one plan is better than the other as far as laundry, running, meal planning, etc.  My friend has an extremely clean house, and I keep thinking, I need to get her cleaning routine so I can have a super clean house too.  But I have to remind myself, she has one child and an extremely neat husband, while I have 3 and a very nice, but untidy husband :-)  Some people think she is too neat, but I respect her cleaning plan because I know she does it with a good heart.  Her husband really needs a neat house for it to feel like a sanctuary, but others don't know that and judge her without knowing her heart.

Pinterest: Organizing Your Ideas

A friend introduced me to Pinterest, which is a website which lets you 'pin' items you find on the web onto your virtual board on their website.  No pile of papers clipped for ideas you plan to get to someday.  Most magazines have this articles on-line now, so you can pin them instead.  No printing recipes that you plan to cook someday, and then not being able to find it when you need it.  It is great for those blog posts, decor ideas, or fun things to do with the kids that want to remember.  It is a great organizational tool that puts your 'idea clutter' and stores it into cyber space, not in your dining room!

When you 'pin' something on Pinterest, it will show a large picture with just a brief description, which is also a link to the site that you pinned from.  There is a small button on your bookmark task bar that lets you do this.  It is also like Facebook, in that you can follow other people, so you can see what your friends pin.  It is a great way to share ideas, and it is set up so you can either view just your friends' pins or everyones' pins.

On Pinterest, you can have serval boards under whatever subject headings you want.  They will suggest some to you when you sign up.  Here are mine:

• Products I Love
• Books Worth Reading
• Homeschooling Ideas
• Decor
• Gift Ideas
• Dinner Ideas
• Kid's Decor
• Places I'd Like to Go
• Craft Ideas
• Sweet Treats
• Recipes (this is for food that doesn't fit into sweets or dinner ideas)
• Holidays
• Household Management
• Toys and Fun
• My Blog Posts (if it is a post I need to go back and reference)
• Baby Ideas
• Fitness
• Travel with Kids
• Photo Shots

If you are on Pinterest, share your board titles in the comments! 

Ruling Over My Laundry Pile

There is nothing like the change of seasons to bring on an eruption of Mount Washmore.  This time it has made me rethink our laundry system because apparently it is just not working.  First of all, the laundry is not getting done.  Second, I am doing it all, the kids should be helping more.  They are 10, 7, and 5, so no more excuses.  Lastly, if I am fortunate enough to wash, dry and actually take the clothes out before they are completely wrinkled, they sit in all sorts of places, except in their proper place - in our drawers and closets.

Most people will organize their laundry system by letting clothes pile in bins, marked with each child's name.  Then, once the bins are full, they put them away.  This does not work for us right now because seeing all those clothes to put away makes me want to put it off, not to mention that it totally overwhelms my kids.  Also, part of doing the laundry every day is so we need less clothes.  This would not work if we only put the clothes away once a week.  This is not just with laundry, I find just about anything multiplies if I do not put it away right away - mail, kids' artwork, toys, etc.

The solution is to make sure I put in a load first thing in the morning, if I wake up early enough, the load will be dried by the time I start homeschooling.  Because lets face it, once we start school, that is pretty much it for the rest of the day as far as household management is concerned.  To get more help, that is done correctly, we are going to put the laundry away, right away, and as a team.  After breakfast, I can wipe down the dining room table, which I need to do for school anyway.  Then the kids take their spots standing by their seats, and I dump the laundry in the middle.  I hang or fold the clothes and they run and put them away, pretty much one item at a time (mostly tops and bottoms).  This keeps them busy while I fold or hang the clothes. It helps to be faithful in the small things first!  Once they master this, my hope is they can also hang and fold their own clothes.

This part takes some training.  First time I found my pants in my 5 year old's drawer.  Also, I like sweat pants with sweat pants and jean with jeans.  If it is not done the way I want it to, I know I will end up doing it myself, and besides, showing them exactly how to put clothes away helps the task seem achievable for them.  My kids always need the helpful reminder, "We get done faster, if we do our work right."  Next time I think I need to add about being a careful listener too, my post put away inspection finds many "now how did they get that out of what I told them to do" examples.  Hopefully this whole scheme leads to "many hands make light work," clean clothes and our laundry problem solved!

Careful What You Say

My son was standing on top of his Bible today and so I said to him, "You do not stand on the Word of God!"  Then I realized what I said, and add, " . . . well, not physically anyway."  Hope that clears it up!